Recently, I have begun to ponder the different ways to sneeze. Yes folks, SNEEZE. Now I myself am a Retainer. I Retain my sneezes. When I sneeze, I have an amazing build up, with a less than satisfying release. Basically, it just appears that I hold my sneeze in, creating a small explosion in my brain.

The Retainer

Brain Exploding Sneeze

Another type of sneeze, is the exploding sneeze. This sneezer has a dramatic build up, making a HUGE deal out of how he or she will soon SNEEZE. They make a GARGANTUAN deal out of the build up with the stereotype:
AH, AH, AH, CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Then then proceded to let their bodily functions FLY OUT EVERYWHERE. And because of all of the fuss they have made, they feel it is necessary to NOT cover their mouths, and feel the utmost need to share with us, their sneeze.

The Exploder

The Dramatic Sneeze

The next kind of sneeze I have identified is the Squeaker. When this person sneezes, there is usually no great build up, but ultimately ends with them creating a sound somewhat similar to that of a small rodent being trod upon. When written, it sounds somewhat like this: "choo." Which is about 3 octaves higher than this person talking voice. I find this more annoying than the Exploding Sneeze (which I take to heart as I used to - and still do a little - suffer from an irrational fear of germs/bacteria), as this person is usually just vying for attention.

The Squeaker

I JUST KILLED AN INNOCENT HORD OF GERBILS

Maybe the most annoying sneeze I shall inform you of is that of The Spastic Sneezer. This sneezer will sporadically sneeze any number of times. This sneezer will either tell you about it ahead of time, or will just break out in a fit of sneezing. Their sneezing fits can have any number of build up techniques, from coming out of NO WHERE, to The Dramatic Build Up.

The Spastic Sneezer

Guess What, No One Cares

The last of the sneezes I shall explain, is The Holder. Now this sneezer is often mistaken for The Retainer, but is very different. The Holder HOLDS THEIR SNEEZE IN vs . The Retainer, who can not help that their sneezes are held inside their brains. These sneezers are usually labeled as the Dare Devils of Sneezers. The Holders are the chance takers who risk fate and brain cells, because EVERYONE knows that a few of your brain cells die every time you hold it in. Or well, when you sneeze in general, but that number multiplies when you hold it in.

The Holder

Woah

I wonder how moose sneeze . . .

Let's Talk About The Weather

As I mentioned in my earlier post, Maine has some weird weather. When Spring comes, it is always a mystery to the Maine people. One day there will be snow, then BAM! The Sun will show its lovely face and grace us with its presence, melting most of the snow that has taken up residence in our hearts, freezing our souls and tramping on our hopes and dreams. And as soon as it feels like Spring AT LAST!!!! BAM! It snows again. Like, a lot.

Typical after a Maine "Spring Storm"

There is a saying by Mark Twain that says: "If you don't like the weather in New England, wait a minute." This is true. IN FACT, last week there were a few days where for the first half of the day the Sun was shining, the Birds were chirping, the Black Flies were coming out to eat you . . . and then, ALL OF A SUDDEN . . . HAIL!!! Yeah, that's right. IN APRIL. HAIL. And this was not the little tiny pebble kind, oh no. This hail was like, ping pong ball sized. And the next day, it rained. And the day after. Then, SUN, BIRDS, FLIES . . . more rain.

Now today I happend upon an article of an Albino Moose. And it got me thinking, this poor Albino Moose must be absolutely ridiculed by his moosie friends. And all I could think of was the saying most of my African American friends say when I tease them is: "It's cause I'm BLACK isn't it?" But instead, this White Moose must be saying "It's cause I'm WHITE isn't it?" Cause most moose are . . . you know . . . brown . . . and stuff . . . *nervous laughter*

Albino Moose

One more thing that comes with the "warmer" weather are ticks. Yes, Blood Sucking Feinds that cling to your cats and dogs and pet moose, just waiting to give them (or better yet YOU) some god awful blood infection, like lyme disease. The nasty thing about these native to Maine blood suckers is that they (unlike Black Flies) will cling to you for as long as those little pincers will hold, draining the life force from your body. Not only do they have to power to hide ANYWHERE, but they have the power to make you feel like they are crawling over your body ALL THE TIME. In fact, their power is much like that of a spiders, who make you feel not only crawled upon, but watched. *shudder*

Now I happen to hate spiders more than the normal human being. This "irrational" fear is called Arachnophobia. I for one do NOT understand how this is an irrational fear. There is NOTHING cool or "neeto" about spiders other than their ability to trap your faces in invisible webs or attack you while in the shower. Which is stoopid BTW!!! Why make your homes in a place that is WATERY. Obviously they have learned NOTHING from the valuable lessing of Itsy Bitsy Spider.

White Van Anyone?

Recently, I made a trip to our fabulous capital, Augusta. Don't get me wrong, I love Augusta (to an extent), but there are some pretty creepy parts of the city that make me want to run and hide. Although there are some GREAT shopping areas (Bath & Body Works is my haven), you have to go through the grungiest, nastiest, creepiest parts of town to get there.


So as I was leaving Bath & Body Works with my friend (Pollyanna let's call her), we were waiting at the traffic light to turn left. Now for a little background. Pollyanna and I had just spent an hour in Bath & Body Works trying on sents. With this comes a great method. Basically, on any spare piece of clothing, or arm, or piece of hair, you spray or rub a sent and compare. So after our hour of applying random sense to our persons, we smelled like a convoy of expensive hookers got together and partied all over us.

Hookers Partying

So as we were waiting at the light, a man in a white van (yes, you heard me right, A WHITE VAN) pulls up next to us planing to go straight (so he was on the passenger side of our car, where I was). He had a cigarette in his hand and kept looking over at me. Now I proceded to laugh with Pollyanna about how we smelled like a combination of hookers. When I looked over again (maybe the third time of glancing out of the corner of my eye to see if he was still looking; he was), he proceded to give me a KISSY FACE.

See Example Below:

KISSY FACE

But creepier and more disgusting. Well actually, that's pretty creepy too . . . 

Anyway, I then started yelling at Pollyanna to "DRIVE DAMN IT DRIVE!!!" as soon as the light turned green. Pollyanna continued to laugh at how he probably smelled us through his tinted White Van windows. 

Needless to say, I was freaked out and felt as though my brain had been mentally raped. But then again, leaving tiny little Hope for "The Big City" is always an adventure.

Black Flies Want To Suck Your Blood

Here in the beautiful state of Maine we have a beautiful assortment of state birds. The one you will find in history books is the Chickadee, a fat graceful little creature.

A picture of the Glorious Chickadee

But what they don't tell you is that the REAL state bird is the Black Fly. They lie in wait all winter long and POUNCE as soon as the snow melts. Now, not only do Black Flies hunt us down like a gazel, but they too, like their evil cousin, the mosquito, swarm you and overwhelm you with their gargantuan numbers.  

A surprisingly accurate image of a Black Fly ATTACK

Now for a little lesson on the Black Fly.

There are more than 1,250 species of Black Fly. At least 110 of those are in Canada (The Great North, my birth place).

They just LOVE any place that is marshy or pond/lake/river like. They only grow to be a few millimeters, but this is a lie. Here, they grow to be the size of small birds. Or bats. The kind that sucks your blood. Vampire Bats.

Now, each female lays 150 - 600 eggs in her life time (about 3 weeks). They use blood for egg development. IN FACT, the females are the ones with the little pincers and fangs. The males are rarely observed. They are mostly just used for their Black Fly sperm. How interesting. And disgusting.

So now you know the vileness of these repulsive creatures. They live to produce. For three weeks each one flies around sucking our blood and making more little bitty Black Flies.

Now, since Maine is mostly trees and marsh and ponds/lakes/rivers, Black Flies populate the majority of Maine. So you can just IMAGINE how common these little buggers are. You can google ways to keep these things away, but NOTHING WORKS!!! I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING AND NOTHING EVER WORKS . . . EVER!!!!

Anywho, google says that if you drench yourself with Off and wear bright colors, they won't be as attracted to you. Not true. They can sense the sent of your blood from miles away. Day or night, THEY WILL FIND YOU. THERE IS NO ESCAPE. And when they finally find you, they stalk you till you are driven insane from the constant swatting. After you have given up the will to live (or swat) they go in for the kill. They then procede to suck you dry until you are reduced to a shriveled shell of a human being. Much like the Crypt Keeper.

Crypt Keeper

The Maine Wilderness

Every so often, when I leave the beautiful state of Maine, I find myself describing to the people I meet just what and where Maine is. Most people believe that Maine is just a part of Canada. Erm, no. 
What I would LIKE to say of Maine is this:


"Maine is a beautiful land of hopes and dreams where Unicorns frolic and prance beneath double rainbows!!!"


What I USUALLY end up saying is:


"Maine is pretty much pine trees and black flies with the occasional Fumbling Moose."


Now where I live in Maine is a tiny little town called Hope. Well, actually, South Hope. We're too rugged to be incorporated in "North Hope." We South Hopeians are looked down upon by those of upper Hope. Mostly because those who live in South Hope have closets that consist of Carhartt and cameo. We are labeled "Rednecks." With due cause. The South Hope store (Pushaw's Trading Post) sells beer, deer pee and milk.


The other thing about where I live is that all of the neighboring towns have equally whimsical names. For example, Union and Friendship. We also have town names for various famous cities or countries. Mexico, Paris, China. And of course, towns named after our famous American Leaders: Washington, Jefferson. This list goes on, but I feel I've made my point. Now most people think that with such heartfelt names, Mainers must be heartfelt people. Alas, no such thing. Of couse, there are the few who actually stop to help you change the blown tire from a loose shotgun shell on the side of Route 1, but that's only because the truck I drive is a 1984, Apple Red C10 Scottsdale Chevy. But they usually just stare at the fact that a 17 year old girl is driving a truck that is in its original state, and not a combination of three other trucks of the same make and model.


Of course living in Maine has its advantages. I live in an old Maternity Home. From like, the 50's. Yeah, birthing home. Most people find that extremely creepy. I do too, but that's okay because no babies died here. Most people just get this constipated look on their face and say:


"Oh. Em. Gee. That is so . . . ew."


I do remember though, on MULTIPLE occasions when we got a sub bus driver, he would open the door for me and give me a long dramatic sigh and say:


"My mothah was born in that house."


I would nod and jump out of that bus faster than a bat out of Hell to try to get away from his Nascar hat and creepy crooked teeth.


That's the other thing about Maine. Most of the REAL residents of Maine pronounce all of their a's at the end of words as er's and their er's as ah's.


An Example:


Emmer was mowin' the lawn with her lawnmowah.


They also use improper grammar when at all possible. Double negatives are just a part of Maine lingo. Us Mainers are also not very witty. The extent of Maine wit is naming your Lawn Mowing business: Mainely Mowing. It would be witty if it wasn't used in every other business you pass.


We also have our own popular sayings/phrases. The most popular and possibly well known Maine saying (if you know where Maine is of course) is Wicked. We rarely say:


"Well Watson, would you look at the size of that double wide! Spectacular!"


What you are more likely to hear is:


"BOB! Look at that there double wide of Dick's. It's Wicked Good."